CHILDHOOD TRAUMA AND INTERNALIZED SHAME
Internalized shame can create a profound sense of feeling stuck, often leading you to believe you are unworthy or flawed. This negative self-perception can trap you in a cycle of self-criticism and avoidance, hindering your ability to take risks or pursue goals. The weight of shame may manifest as a reluctance to express emotions, seek support, or engage in activities that bring joy, reinforcing a sense of isolation. As you grapple with these feelings, You may struggle to recognize your inherent value,beng entrenched in a state of stagnation. Understanding and addressing internalized shame is crucial for breaking free from this debilitating mindset and fostering a path toward healing and growth.
We all have had experiences of shame but when we internalize shame and when these feelings begin to become what we believe is who we are then the pain that we feel lets us know how deeply wounded we have been. Internalized shame is one of the many effects of childhood trauma. As children, we adapt to caregivers as we are completely dependent on them for our survival. When we are not safe to have our emotional reality we adapt and internalize the negative emotions and believe that we are the problem. This is an unconscious process.
We often as children had tiny glimpses of hope that “only if I were a better boy or girl I could be loved, seen, heard, and felt but most of all feel safe”. You did the best you could to survive and no one noticed you or was attuned to your “cry” and your pain. So as a result most of us never developed a sense of love and compassion for that little boy or girl part and shamed and blamed ourselves. So now as adults, it is so essential that those wounds begin to be addressed and to no longer neglect ourselves. Healing of the past cannot be healed in the past it can only be healed in the present and learning how to “reparent” yourself is an important part of the process.See:”Signs You Are Neglecting Yourself”
SIGNS AND EFFECTS OF INTERNALIZED SHAME:
PEOPLE PLEASING AND INTERNALIZED SHAME
People pleasers often emerge from a complex relationship with internalized shame and the fear of not being enough. This dynamic can begin in childhood, influenced by criticism, unrealistic expectations, or a lack of validation. When we experience conditional acceptance—where love and approval are granted based on performance or behavior—we may develop a belief that their worth is tied to pleasing others.
As this belief is ingrained, the fear of rejection and abandonment grows stronger. People pleasers may feel that if they don’t meet the needs and expectations of those around them, they will be unloved or unworthy. This fear can lead to self-sacrificing behaviors, prioritizing others' happiness over their own.
Over time, we internalize the lie that our feelings, opinions, and needs are less important. This imbalance reinforces our shame, as we may struggle with the idea that we are inherently flawed or not enough unless we conform to others' desires. Such a cycle perpetuates the need to gain approval and avoid conflict, further entrenching people-pleasing tendencies.
Breaking free from this pattern requires a journey of self-discovery and healing. Recognizing the roots of shame and the fear of inadequacy is a step in the direction of reclaiming our sense of self-worth independent of external validation. Establishing healthy boundaries, practicing self-compassion, and learning to validate one’s feelings are essential steps toward fostering authentic relationships and a more balanced sense of self. As a child, you learned well how to do your best in a difficult and sometimes scary and lonely situation as you did your best to survive.
People pleasing is what happens when we do not feel safe and are not securely attached so we are afraid to be who we are and want to avoid any chance of being rejected or abandoned. When we are children this is terrifying so we shut down emotionally and now we struggle to speak as an adult as that much younger child part still fears and feels in danger if he or she does not mirror others with agreement and does everything possible to avoid conflict.See:”How To Identify Emotional Neediness”
CONFLICT AVOIDANCE AND INTERNALIZED SHAME
Conflict avoidance often stems from an internalized sense of shame, leading us to prioritize harmony over addressing issues that may be uncomfortable or confrontational. This tendency can create a cycle where unresolved conflicts fester and contribute to feelings of inadequacy or self-doubt. When you avoid engaging in necessary discussions to protect yourself from potential judgment or rejection, you reinforce the belief that your feelings or needs are not valid. Over time, this pattern can diminish your self-esteem and hinder your personal growth,. Though it can be a stretch for you to get comfortable where you have been uncomfortable it is essential to know you can become more able to express yourself authentically and assert your boundaries in relationships. This is where therapy with the ‘right “ therapist can make all the difference.
If you grew up in a family where emotions were dysregulated and where you experienced the toxic effects of your caregivers’ anger then that certainly would make addressing conflicts: even as an adult) “scary” and your nervous system would interpret that as ‘dangerous” although now you may not be in any danger at all but rather “you” need to show up. I have worked with so many through the years who were so shut down and compliant in an attempt to avoid conflicts as they were traumatized as children but over time began to heal and develop their voice as the wounds of the past no longer were running their lives
DEPRESSION AND INTERNALIZED SHAME
Shame can serve as a significant root of depression, often driving us into a cycle of negative self-perception and isolation. When we experience shame, we may internalize these emotions, believing we are unworthy or flawed. This internal narrative can diminish self-esteem and create persistent sadness and hopelessness.
As shame festers, it may lead us to withdraw from social interactions, further deepening our sense of loneliness and contributing to depression. There are times when the burden of shame can feel overwhelming, obstructing our ability to seek support or engage in activities that promote emotional well-being. Depression is anger turned inward and fuels internalized shame. When we cannot feel and process our anger, the “inner critic” often takes over and we experience self-hatred rather than compassion and care for ourselves. The inner wounds we carry. can sap our energy and lie to us about who we truly are. When we are depressed then there is a darkness that we feel on the inside that blocks us from seeing and caring for ourselves as well as a tendency for us to neglect our inner world which gets reflected in our relationship with ourselves and those close to us. Internalized shame has become a familiar experience and we often now blame and shame ourselves See: :”How To Stop Being A Doormat”
Depression and shame can have a profound impact on relationships, often creating barriers to connection and communication. When an individual experiences depression, they may withdraw from social interactions, leading to isolation. This withdrawal can cause loved ones to feel rejected or confused, as they may not understand the reasons behind the changes in behavior.
Shame frequently accompanies depression, creating an internal dialogue that fosters feelings of unworthiness and guilt. Individuals struggling with shame may avoid engaging with friends and family out of fear of being judged or perceived as a burden. This can lead to a cycle where you feels increasingly isolated, exacerbating their depression and reinforcing their feelings of shame.
The effects on relationships can manifest in various ways. Communication may suffer, as individuals with depression and shame might find it difficult to express your feelings or needs. This lack of communication can create misunderstandings and resentment among partners, friends, or family members.
When dealing with depression and shame you may unintentionally push loved ones away, leading to conflicts or an emotional distance that can strain the relationship further. Caregivers or partners may also experience frustration or helplessness, which can add tension and misunderstanding.
To decrease the impact of depression and shame on relationships you will need to get more comfortable with open communication as well as seeking professional support can be crucial. Building a supportive environment, where individuals feel safe to express their struggles, can help reduce feelings of shame and encourage connection. Engaging in therapy, whether individually or as a couple, can provide tools to navigate these complex emotions and improve relational dynamics.
INTERNALIZED SHAME FUELS ADDICTIONS
Internalized shame often serves as a powerful catalyst for all forms of addiction. When we carry a deep-seated sense of worthlessness or inadequacy, we may turn to substances or compulsive behaviors as a way to escape our feelings of self-loathing. This reliance on external means to cope with our internal pain and wounding can create a vicious cycle; the temporary relief provided by the addiction often exacerbates feelings of shame and guilt, leading to further substance use or compulsive behaviors. Over time, you l may find yourself trapped in a loop where shame fuels the addiction, and the addiction, in turn, reinforces the shame.
Addressing this complex relationship between shame and addiction is crucial in the process of healing and recovery. Addictions are rooted in trauma and internalized shame plays a big role in this process. If you are now struggling and addicted to sex, porn, food, drugs, alcohol, relationships, and work, then you know well how those chains that now bind you are an attempt to soothe the pain inside. And you may be soothed momentarily but then when the soothing stops: all the pain and shame come to the surface again and you feel even worse about yourself. Internalized shame can keep you from seeking the help you need and push away those close to you. The “secret” of your addiction can also fuel your internalized shame and keep you isolated rather than seeking the community that you need. As a result, you can become even more disconnected from yourself and more focused on your addiction.
Addiction and shame are interlinked factors that can significantly impact relationships and adult lives. Addiction fosters behaviors that often lead to secrecy, dishonesty, and withdrawal, straining connections with family, friends, and partners. As individuals struggle with their dependence, they may prioritize their addiction over their relationships, causing feelings of neglect and betrayal among loved ones.
Shame often compounds the effects of addiction. Your struggle with addiction can also bring to your conscious awareness of l your underlying deep feelings of guilt and inadequacy, which can create a barrier to seeking help. In other words: your shame shame can make it difficult to communicate openly with others, further isolating yourself. Loved ones may feel helpless or frustrated when they cannot break through your emotional barriers and walls, and this can lead to resentment or distress in the relationships..
In our adult lives, these dynamics can manifest in various ways. Trust can erode, making it challenging to form new relationships or maintain existing ones. Adults may find themselves in cycles of conflict and reconciliation, which can drain emotional resources. Trust issues may become pervasive, impacting not just romantic partnerships but also friendships and family interactions.
The consequences of addiction and shame can also extend to professional lives. Patterns of absenteeism decreased productivity, and conflicts with colleagues can emerge, driven by the anxiety and distraction created by personal struggles. Your inability to maintain healthy interpersonal relationships can create a ripple effect, leading to increased stress and dissatisfaction in one’s career.
Healing the connection between addiction and the root of shame is crucial for rebuilding a loving relationship with yourself and those close to you.. Open and honest communication will be a big part of your healing journey as well as seeking therapy with the “right therapist”(where you feel seen, heard, and felt and most of all safe), and developing support networks can create pathways towards recovery, restoring trust and connection with others. Through understanding and compassion, you can begin to heal from the effects of their struggles and cultivate healthier relationships.
DIFFICULTIES COMMUNICATING YOUR EMOTIONS AND INTERNALIZED SHAME
When you have not been seen, heard, or felt at the most critical times in early childhood, your body holds all of those memories and sensations. if you were related to like a “sack of potatoes” or a “piece of furniture” rather than a living full of life “precious” child then the emotional shutdown that was needed to survive has kept you out of touch with what is going on inside and your focus may be an external one as an effect of being traumatized. Part of your healing will be a process of getting to know who you “authentically” are: not the pleaser part dominating, but all the parts coming alive and out of deep freeze so you can get to truly know yourself and then be able to communicate effectively in your relationships. Giving yourself attention and no longer neglecting your emotions will be essential to your healing.
RECOVERING AND MOVING FORWARD
Therapy and support play crucial roles in the recovery process. They provide the tools, insights, and encouragement needed to navigate challenges and foster personal growth.
Therapy offers an opportunity for you to receive the attention and care you so desperately have needed for so long. With the “right” therapist you can finally begin to feel “safe” and “trust” can be able to heal from the inside out.. The “right” therapist can have a major part in your healing journey, helping you to connect the dots and to identify patterns that have blocked you from flourishing..
Support systems, including family, friends, or support groups, complement therapy by providing emotional backing and accountability. Being surrounded by people who understand or share similar experiences can decrease your feelings of isolation and foster a sense of belonging. These connections can also offer practical advice and encouragement, reinforcing the lessons learned in therapy.
Additionally, both therapy and support help can help you to build resilience. Through the exploration of personal challenges, therapy can equip you with skills to face future difficulties with confidence. Similarly, having a reliable support network can make it easier to confront setbacks and maintain motivation throughout the recovery journey.
Combining the insights gained from therapy with the encouragement of a support system creates a holistic approach to recovery. This integrated strategy not only helps individuals move forward but also empowers them to maintain their progress over time.
THE “RIGHT NYC TRAUMA THERAPIST” CAN MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE
Struggling with the effects of childhood internalized shame does not have to be a life sentence!. I have seen so many transformed and healed lives: from the “inside out”!! I would be honored to walk together with you on this amazing healing journey! Give me a call so we can begin!!
