CHILDHOOD ATTACHMENT TRAUMA
When a baby is born and raised in an environment where the baby is nurtured and cared for emotionally and physically by a caregiver who can give and understand the baby’s needs the baby develops an expectation of being cared for and internalizes the relationship with the mother/caregiver and experiences that life giving bond as a part of him/herself. Through this bond, the baby forms a secure attachment and learns how to regulate emotion as he/she grows. You learn to regulate emotions by interpersonal relationships. Unfortunately, so many babies grow up to be children where their needs for nurturance with a stable loving caregiver were never part of their childhood experience, and rather than having an expectation of being loved and lovable you were traumatized and may believe you are unlovable and your needs will not be met. See: “Neglect And Emotional Neediness”
Since the deep wounding in your soul has been ignored and avoided: you may be becoming more aware now of the consequences of not addressing your pain and how hopeless or conflicted you may feel about having healthy relationships: stable and loving as this has never been your experience.
ATTACHMENT STYLES AND ATTACHMENT TRAUMA
You may have adopted an attachment style of avoidance due to your childhood history and are having great difficulty connecting with others in a meaningful way although there is a part of you that longs for that with the avoidant attachment style there is also clearly an avoidance of your emotional needs and feelings. (Seet“How To Heal Avoidant Attachment Style) You may be rigid and avoidant and this can also cause depression.
You may have developed an attachment style that is anxious have difficulties regulating your anxiety and are easily triggered by circumstances and others who you perceive as anxious. If you have had a disorganized caregiver you may have adopted an attachment style where your emotions and thoughts are all over the place when in a relationship or developed an ambivalent attachment style where you present yourself as having no needs but then feel victimized and angry when people don't give to you. Attachment styles, developed as a result of attachment trauma, significantly influence how you form and maintain relationships.
When you experience inconsistent or neglectful caregiving as a child, it can lead to anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment styles in adulthood. You may find yourself either craving closeness while fearing abandonment or pushing others away to avoid vulnerability. Understanding your attachment style is crucial because it shapes your emotional responses and interactions with loved ones. By recognizing these patterns, you can work towards healthier relationships and build a secure attachment, enabling you to connect more openly and trustingly with those around you.
So important to understand that our interpersonal relationships are where we learn to regulate our emotions. When we experience trauma our brains go into freeze or fight or flight mode and if not acknowledged and given the care you need to heal then you may get stuck in this place, Having more awareness of yourself and your attachment style can be extremely beneficial.
GOING FORWARD WITH SECURE ATTACHMENT
Developing a secure attachment style after being raised in a family where you were set up for insecure attachments is certainly possible, and it usually begins with a deep sense of self-awareness. Start by taking the time to reflect on your past relationships and thoughtfully consider how they have influenced your current interactions with others. Acknowledge any recurring patterns of behavior you notice, such as feelings of anxiety or tendencies toward avoidance, and consider how these patterns manifest in the context of your relationships today.
Practicing self-compassion is crucial during this journey; it is important to treat yourself with kindness and understanding as you navigate through these complex feelings. Build trust in your relationships by being open and honest about your emotions, and strive to seek connections with individuals who model secure attachment behaviors in their own lives.
Establishing healthy boundaries and learning effective communication strategies will also greatly support your journey toward achieving secure attachment. Remember, this transformation is a gradual process, and seeking professional guidance can provide you with valuable tools and support throughout this important journey. Developing healthy relationships after experiencing attachment trauma can feel like a challenging journey, but it’s entirely possible to cultivate secure connections.
The first step is understanding your attachment style and how it may have been impacted by past experiences. Recognizing patterns in your relationships and behaviors can provide valuable insights into how attachment trauma has shaped your interactions.
Being aware of your feelings and triggers is key. When you sense anxiety or fear in a relationship, take a moment to explore those emotions. Are they rooted in past experiences, or are they related to the current situation? Mindfulness practices, such as deep breathing or journaling, can help you process these feelings and regain a sense of calm.
Communication plays a crucial role in building secure attachments. Open and honest dialogue with your partner about your needs, fears, and boundaries is essential. Share your experiences and let them know how past relationships have influenced your current behaviors. This transparency fosters understanding and empathy, laying a strong foundation for trust.
Building trust takes time and consistency. Start by setting small, achievable goals within your relationships. Whether it’s expressing your feelings more openly or setting healthier boundaries, celebrate these milestones. They will reinforce your confidence and encourage a secure attachment style.
Additionally, seek out relationships that feel safe and nurturing. Surround yourself with individuals who respect your boundaries and offer emotional support. Healthy relationships often involve mutual respect and understanding, allowing both partners to feel secure, valued, and loved.
As you work through attachment trauma, it’s important to be patient with yourself. Healing is a gradual process, and there may be setbacks along the way. Consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor who specializes in attachment issues. They can provide guidance and tools to help you navigate your feelings and develop healthier relationships.
Ultimately, cultivating secure attachments is about learning to trust again with yourself and others. With time, self-reflection, and support, you can create meaningful relationships built on a foundation of security, connection, and love.
Please understand no matter what your traumatic attachment history has been that there is hope. You can become fully alive and connected in healthy healing relationships but it will take giving yourself time and attention. Therapy from the right therapist can be life-changing as walls and chains are broken and breakthroughs begin! healing from the inside out! Give me a call so we can begin this amazing healing journey!
