ENMESHMENT TRAUMA
You may be enmeshedwith a parent or parents or partner, friend and be completely unaware that you are enmeshed. Enmeshment is relationship betrayal that starts in childhood where the child was put in the position to satisfy the needs of the parent and where your needs and separate identity were not nurtured but ignored and discouraged
. Focus was on controlling behavior and there was profound emotional neglect of your feelings and thoughts. You are now walking with internalized trauma wounds as an effect of this childhood trauma that has continued into your adult life.. Often in my practice, it’s not the enmeshed one who seeks therapy as they are in denial but the partner of the one who is enmeshed. When we are enmeshed we are unable to fully show up for ourselves or in relationships and the anger that is often unconscious toward the parent who betrayed you is expressed toward the partner. It becomes very confusing and painful for partners who are experiencing relationship betrayal by their enmeshed partner which mirrors the relationship betrayal the enmeshed has experienced with their parent or parents.
. When we are enmeshed unhealthy patterns of relating have become normalized as parts of us have become frozen or gone into a fight/flight response in order to survive. The following are essential to understand as you heal and recover from enmeshment trauma. See”:Adult Pain Of Childhood Emotional Neglect”
BREAKING FREE FROM “DENIAL’’
Denial is so pervasive when you are enmeshed as you need to deny and repress your emotional reality as a child to survive.. Since enmeshment trauma starts in early childhood and truly you were a “little hostage” and then we were completely dependent on those who were there to take care of us and not exploit or harm us.
In this dysfunctional family system, your emotional and developmental maturation was blocked by the manipulation and control that you were subjected to and there was nowhere to run but just comply. In therapy, you can begin to clarify and understand what happened to that “inner child” have love and compassion for yourself, and courageously move forward in your healing and recovery as you become “authentically” you and fully alive. You can begin to understand it was never your job to take care of your parent but the roles were reversed and you paid a cost for that.see: “Signs that You Do Not Value “You”
BREAKING FREE FROM INAPPROPRIATE GUILT AND FALSE OBLIGATION
Since you were well trained in a dysfunctional family system to comply and not have a voice and to not be able to make your own decisions then it was a set up to function as a “human doing” not a “human being” since in that system you did not receive empathy and no one heard your “cry” you shutdown emotionally and parts of you became frozen. You now do what is expected of you to do even though your heart is not in it and you feel “inappropriate guilt” if you stop functioning in the role of the enmeshed son or daughter.
You visit your parent not because you truly want to although without therapy you probably believe you really want to. This is not about cutting off the relationship but inner healing so that you are not acting on “inappropriate guilt” or “forced obligation” which has historically run your life. Please know this is a process and it is slow and you will learn patience as you “get comfortable where you are uncomfortable and uncomfortable where you are comfortable” see: “Red Flags of Unhealthy Relationships”
The role of inappropriate guilt and forced obligation can significantly impact your relationships, especially when they lead to enmeshment. Enmeshment occurs when personal boundaries become blurred, making it difficult to distinguish where one person ends, and another begins. This can lead to unhealthy relational patterns characterized by emotional dependency and the feeling that you must prioritize your parent or parents needs over your own.
Inappropriate guilt begins in early childhood when there is not a secure attachment formed with parent or parents., . You may find yourself feeling guilty for wanting independence or for setting boundaries. Inappropriate guilt and forced obligation can create an unhealthy dynamic between a parent and child, often leading to an enmeshed relationship. When a child feels responsible for a parent’s emotional needs, they may inadvertently take on a role that should belong to the adult. This can happen in various ways, such as when a parent expresses disappointment or sadness that puts pressure on the child to ‘fix’ things or manage their feelings.
As a result, the child learns to prioritize the parent’s emotions above their own. They might believe that their worth is tied to how well they can care for or support their parent, which can lead to deep-seated feelings of guilt when they inevitably fall short. This sense of guilt can be a heavy burden to carry and can hinder the child's emotional development, leading to feelings of anxiety or resentment.
In healthy relationships, the roles are distinct; parents should meet the emotional needs of their children. However, in enmeshed dynamics, boundaries can become blurred, leading to a cycle where the child's needs are overlooked. This constant caregiver role can prevent the child from exploring their own identity and feelings, impacting their self-esteem and ability to form healthy relationships in the future.
Understanding this dynamic is the first step toward breaking the cycle. Recognizing that it’s not a child’s responsibility to manage a parent’s emotions can be liberating. It opens the door to a healthier relationship, where both parties can express themselves without the weight of inappropriate guilt or forced obligation. As a child grows, it’s important for them to develop their own autonomy and understand that taking care of their own needs is not just acceptable, but necessary.
Forced obligation is another element that fuels enmeshment. You might feel a sense of duty to respond to your parents needs without considering your own limits. This obligation can be external, stemming from family expectations or cultural pressures, or it can be internalized, where you genuinely believe that you must always be there for a parent or parents. This mindset can become a trap, leaving little room for your own feelings, values, and needs.
When these dynamics are at play, it can be challenging to maintain healthy relationships. Instead of experiencing mutual support and respect, you may end up feeling overwhelmed, resentful, or trapped in a cycle of emotional indebtedness. Recognizing inappropriate guilt and challenging the notion of forced obligation is crucial in untangling these enmeshed relationships.
It's important to remember that taking care of yourself is not selfish. You have the right to prioritize your own well-being and set boundaries that protect your mental and emotional health. Finding balance in your relationships means recognizing when inappropriate guilt and false obligation are influencing your choices and learning to navigate those feelings in a way that fosters healthier connections
. Establishing clear communication about your needs and limitations can help create a more balanced dynamic, allowing both you and others to thrive without feeling enmeshed.
“THE “RIGHT” RELATIONAL TRAUMA THERAPIST CAN HELP SET YOU FREE FROM ENMESHMENT
If you are struggling with enmeshment or are the partner of one who is struggling with enmeshment would love to be able to guide and direct you on your path to emotional freedom and discovering who you are as you heal and become restored from the inside out! please give me a call!