BELIEVING YOU ARE A HUMAN ‘DOING’ RATHER THAN A HUMAN ‘BEING” When we find ourselves overly focused on doing—constantly fixated on achievements, tasks, and a relentless pursuit of productivity—it can often serve as a significant sign that we are struggling with deeper, often unacknowledged feelings of shame. This intense drive to continually accomplish can stem from an underlying belief that our worth and value as individuals are intrinsically tied to our actions and how much we achieve. that is a lie from the pit.
When we measure ourselves against these high and often unrealistic standards, we may unconsciously push away our true, authentic selves, operating under the belief that we must perform at a certain level to be accepted or, even more importantly, to be valued by others.
This unending cycle of doing can create a deep disconnect within us. The more we chase after external validation and fleeting success, the further we drift away from simply being present in the moment and appreciating our own existence. The pressure to meet external standards that we perhaps never consciously agreed to can fuel an internal dialogue filled with harsh criticism and judgment, where negativity holds sway over our thoughts and emotions,choices.. This is precisely where shame thrives.
When we start to feel inadequate for not meeting our own expectations or the expectations imposed by others, it can lead to what we often describe as “shame on shame.” This layered experience of shame compounds our already overwhelming feelings of unworthiness, often resulting in a pervasive sense of hopelessness that can ultimately lead to depression. As we navigate these feelings, we may find ourselves trapped in a challenging cycle where our attempts to counteract feelings of shame only seem to deepen them further.
Recognizing this complicated cycle is an important and essential step toward healing. We need to shift our focus from doing to simply being—to know that our worth and value is separate from any accomplishments or societal measures of success.
By nurturing and learning how to nurture ourselves emotionally physically, and spiritually, with effort rather than pressure,, we can begin to pull up the roots of shame so that its hold no longer has power over us. . Doing so creates much-needed space for healthier emotions and a more fulfilling, genuine relationship with ourselves and relationships.
LISTENING TO THE VOICE OF YOUR HARSH INNER CRITIC
Listening to the voice of your harsh inner critic often reflects a deep-seated sense of shame. When that critical voice is playing on repeat in your mind, it can make you feel unworthy and inadequate. This inner dialogue usually stems from childhood trauma, relational trauma, disappointments, or perfectionistic expectations. The way this critic speaks to you can feel relentless, emphasizing what you perceive as your flaws and shortcomings.
This constant hammering can take a toll on your emotional well-being, leading to feelings of depression. When you internalize criticism, it’s easy to descend into a cycle of negative thoughts. You might find yourself ruminating on everything you believe you’re doing wrong, ultimately losing sight of your strengths and positive attributes. The more you give weight to this inner voice, the heavier the burden of shame becomes and opens the door to depression.
The connection between shame and depression is profound. Shame makes you feel isolated as if you’re alone in your struggles. It’s a belief that you are flawed, and this belief can be paralyzing. You might avoid situations where you fear judgment or ridicule, leading you to withdraw from friends, family, or activities that you once enjoyed. This isolation can deepen feelings of sadness and hopelessness, feeding into the cycle of depression.
Becoming aware that this inner critic is rooted in shame is a significant step. It’s essential to challenge that voice, questioning its validity and reframing those negative thoughts. You have the power to replace harsh self-judgment with a more compassionate and understanding perspective. This shift takes time, but it can help free you from the weight of that inner critic and create space for healing and growth. Remember, you are not defined by your criticisms; you are more than enough just as you are
As children, many of us encounter situations where we feel "shamed" or criticized, whether through direct comments from adults or by witnessing their reactions to our behaviors. This shame can stem from various sources, such as family expectations, societal norms, or even peer pressure. Over time, these experiences shape our inner dialogue, leading to the formation of a harsh inner critic that echoes the negative messages we received during our formative years.
You might find that this inner critic tells you that you’re not good enough, that you should always strive for perfection, or that you’ll never measure up. Such messages can create a cycle of self-doubt and fear, making it challenging to trust yourself or pursue your goals. This harsh inner voice does not speak what is true but speaks lies that you have come to believe are true about yourself.
To reparent yourself and begin the healing process, you can start by understanding this inner critic as a voice reflecting how you have been emotionally wounded rather than a reflection of your true worth. It’s important to understand that the harsh judgments stem from relational trauma and insecure attachment, not from who you genuinely are.
Beginning to consider how you can relate to yourself as you would to a close and loving friend can be a first step in reparenting yourself.. . When condemning thoughts arise, challenge them with kindness. Ask yourself, "Is this thought true?" or "Would I say this to someone I care about?" Often, you’ll find that the answer is no. Replace those criticisms with affirmations that recognize your strengths and value.
Creating a nurturing inner dialogue and imagining what your ideal nurturing figure would say to you. Write down affirmations that resonate with your authentic self, emphasizing love, acceptance, and resilience. Repeat these affirmations daily to reinforce a positive self-image.
Establishing supportive routines that prioritize your emotional and mental well-being. This can include mindfulness practices, journaling, or engaging in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. By cultivating a safe and loving environment for yourself, you'll begin to override those old messages with new, empowering beliefs.
Remember, healing takes time, and it’s wise to seek help along the way. Professional support through therapy can provide additional insight and tools as you navigate this journey. Ultimately, by reparenting yourself, you can dismantle the harmful beliefs instilled in childhood and believe in your inherent worth.
BELIEVING YOU ARE A MISTAKE: RATHER THAN YOU MADE A MISTAKE
Perfectionism often stems from a deep-seated sense of shame, which can create a cycle of unrealistic expectations and self-criticism. When you strive for perfection, you may feel that nothing you do is ever good enough. This relentless pursuit can be exhausting and isolating. It is rooted in shame and this root of shame causes depression, as you continually feel you are not good enough.
Shame plays a significant role in this process. It convinces you that you must meet certain standards to be worthy of love and acceptance. When you fall short, the shame intensifies, leading to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. This internal dialogue can perpetuate a negative cycle, where each perceived failure deepens your sense of shame and pushes you further into the grip of perfectionism and causes depression
The pressure to be perfect can also take a toll on your mental health. Over time, striving for unattainable ideals can lead to depression. You might find yourself feeling overwhelmed or trapped, as the constant comparison to an ideal self can foster feelings of hopelessness. The disappointment in not living up to your own standards can create a sense of despair that feels inescapable.
Recognizing the link between perfectionism, shame, and depression is an essential step in breaking this cycle. Embracing self-compassion and understanding we are all imperfect can help you to alleviate this burden. When you start to accept your flaws and embrace your humanity, you can gradually release the pressure that perfectionism places on you, paving the way for a more balanced view of yourself and of others.
BELIEVING THAT YOU ARE NOT “GOOD ENOUGH”
You often find yourself trapped in a cycle of feeling inadequate as if you’re constantly measuring yourself against an impossible standard. This belief stems from deep-rooted shame, which tells you that no matter what you do, it’s never enough. You might recall moments in your life when criticism—whether from others or from your inner dialogue—has shaped your self-view, leading to these deep feelings of unworthiness.
Every time you make a mistake or fall short of expectations, that shame intensifies. You then begin to associate your worth with your failures. It’s a heavy burden, one that can weigh you down and amplify feelings of depression. You might isolate yourself, retreating further into this belief that you don’t deserve happiness or connection. In this mindset, joy seems unattainable, and the weight of that shame compounds your struggles.
As days turn into months, these feelings can become overwhelming. You might feel exhausted from the constant fight within, where every positive experience is overshadowed by that nagging voice that insists you are not good enough. This internal battle saps your energy, contributing to a sense of hopelessness that can define your days and leave you feeling depressed.
. Understanding that these feelings of inadequacy are not truths but rather distortions can help you begin to untangle from this web of shame. You deserve support in this journey, allowing you to redefine your self-worth beyond mere achievements or perceptions. Healing takes time, but believing that you can be enough, just as you are, is a powerful place to start.
INTERNALIZING BLAME WHEN IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT
It's easy to find yourself in a cycle of self-blame, especially when you're feeling overwhelmed or facing challenges. You might think that if something goes wrong, it must somehow be your fault. This belief often stems from feelings of shame, making you feel inadequate or unworthy.
Take a moment to reflect on this pattern. You might blame yourself for situations that are completely outside your control, such as someone else's actions or circumstances that affect you but aren't your doing. This tendency to assume responsibility can feel like a protective measure—if you can find a way to pin the issue on yourself, perhaps you can also find a solution. However, this often leads to the opposite effect.
Instead of empowering yourself, this blame can deepen feelings of inadequacy and guilt, fuelling cycles of depression. You start to believe that you are to blame for your emotions, creating a heavy weight of shame that you carry. Each time you find yourself in this mindset, it reinforces a negative narrative that tells you you are not enough.
. Becoming conscious of this pattern and that you are not accountable for every misstep allows you to begin to separate your self-worth from external situations. You are not defined by the problems around you, nor are you at fault for things beyond your control.
It's important to practice compassion toward yourself. Instead of assigning blame, consider what you can learn from situations while also letting go of the shame that doesn't belong to you. Remember, you deserve to embrace your experiences without drowning in guilt. Focusing on self-acceptance can help shift your thoughts away from blame, paving the way for healing and growth.
Childhood trauma can profoundly affect how you perceive yourself and your worth. When you experience neglect, abuse, or any significant emotional pain as a child, you may internalize these experiences in a way that makes you feel fundamentally unworthy of love and belonging. This sense of worthlessness can lead to an overwhelming belief that you must constantly perform, achieve, or meet certain standards to earn affection or attention.
You might find yourself chasing validation through accomplishments, whether in school, sports, or personal relationships. The underlying message you received as a child could have been that love and approval were conditional—given only when you met expectations. This belief can create a cycle where you continuously seek external validation, feeling like you can never measure up.
Understanding what happened to that "little child" part of you is essential for your healing journey. This part of you still holds onto those old beliefs and the emotional pain of past experiences. Acknowledging and validating this part can help you confront the feelings of inadequacy and pressure to perform.
You may need to engage in self-reflection, therapy, and supportive relationships to reconnect with that child and provide the love and validation they lacked. By nurturing this part of yourself, you can begin to dismantle the belief that you are only worthy when you achieve something. Healing involves recognizing your intrinsic worth, independent of performance or approval from others. Embracing this journey is crucial for moving toward a more authentic and fulfilling life.
THE “RIGHT NYC THERAPIST” CAN MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE
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